"Don't let worry kill you — let the church help."

August 19, 2008 (PLANSPONSOR.com) - "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

This is just one of a list of humorous quotations allegedly taken from church bulletins. Take a break from the daily grind and laugh out loud.

Other church bulletin quotations:

  • “Say ‘hell’ to someone who doesn’t like you.”
  • “Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church.”
  • “Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.”
  • “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
  • “O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.”
  • “After today’s service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.”
  • “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
  • “The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”
  • “Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.”
  • “This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.”
  • “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”
  • “There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow.”
  • “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
  • “Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
  • “Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured.” — The subject of a sermon that should have read, “An Institution To Endure.”
  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Here is a clean church anecdote taken from the same Web site that can be shared with colleagues:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"