Symptoms of Aging

February 24, 2009 (PLANSPONSOR (b)lines) - I recently celebrated another birthday.

And I have to tell you, my age is looking more odd with each year when its written on paper. While I’m loving the changes to my mental perspective as I grow older, I’m not as excited about the physical changes or changes to my position on the “time of life” continuum.

But it’s that maturing mental perspective that helps me keep a sense of humor about the changes.

Here are some symptoms of aging that I found humorous, despite how truthful they are and the fact that I can relate to most of them:

  • The Physical Changes
    • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
    • Your back goes out more than you do.
    • The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
    • You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
    • You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn’t do anything the night before.
    • You don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
    • People call you at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
    • You look forward to a dull evening.
    • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
    • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
    • Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    • You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they’ve been on your head all the time.
    • Happy hour is a nap.
    • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
    • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
    • Your ears are hairier than your head.
    • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
    • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
    • The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
    • You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
    • You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
    • Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
    • Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
    • Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
    • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
    • You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
    • You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
    • Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
    • A ‘late night’ now ends at 11 pm.
  • Movement on the "Time of Life" Continuum
    • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    • Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
    • The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
    • There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
    • You sing along with the elevator music.
    • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.
    • The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
    • Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
    • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
    • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
    • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
    • You take a metal detector to the beach.
    • The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
    • You get propositioned by AARP.
    • You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
    • Your medical expenses go up 50%.
    • You learn where your prostrate is.
    • You develop a knack for wearing hats.

This list is taken from a larger list found on .