God Vest Ye Fully Enron Men

December 24, 2002 (PLANSPONSOR.com) - "Anonymous" sources at the Portland Chapter of the Western Pension and Benefits Conference have contributed a little holiday "spirit" for all of us to share.
By PS

 

(to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen) 

God Vest Ye Fully Enron men 

And save your 401(k) 

You trusted your retirement to Andy Fastow and Ken Lay 

And now you will be toiling until your dying day 

It’s a good thing you love your job so well, 

Why didn’t you sell? 

It’s a good thing you love your job so well. 

I’ll Amend by Christmas 

(to the tune of I’ll Be Home for Christmas) 

 

I’ll amend by Christmas— 

You can count on me— 

All your plans for EG-TR-RA, 

Drafted so carefully. 

 

Christmas Eve will find me 

Typing busily 

I’ll amend by Christmas 

Although it tortures me. 

Test Deadlines 

 

(To the tune of Silent Night) 

Privacy, Security, 

EDI, transaction sets. 

Who’d have guessed back in ‘96 

HIPAA would give us such fits? 

Just extend the deadlines, please, 

We’re begging on bended knees. 

Skimming Through the Regs 

(To the tune of Jingle Bells) 

 

Skimming through the regs, 

Reading through my files, 

Every week it seems, 

They add more to my piles. 

 

Congress just can’t stop 

Adding to this mess, 

And although I wish they would, 

The agencies won’t rest. 

 

Oh, EG-TR-RA, HIPAA, too, 

Change tables for mortality, 

required distribution rules, 

Sarbanes-Ox-a-ley. 

 

Oh, SPD content rules, 

Blackout notices, 

Indexed limits change again, 

So does EPCRS. 

 

Just about the time 

I read a rule’s proposed 

And just when I am sure 

I’ve nailed it on the nose. 

 

I open BenefitsLink 

Aren’t I the fool, 

It seems that they have published 

A revised interim final rule. 

 

Yeah, HRAs, IRAs, 

Waive the excise tax, 

30 year Treasury rate, 

file urgent claims by fax. 

 

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, 

Jingle All the Way, 

Oh what fun it is to work 

In the benefits field today. 

Amending all our Plans 

(to the tune of Jingle Bells) 

 

Amending all our plans 

Checking every clause 

Signing on the dotted line 

Complying with the laws 

Our actuary says 

It’ll cost an arm and leg 

To change our plan design- 

So I guess we’ll just have to beg 

 

Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills! 

Congress strikes again 

Just when GUST is going out, EGTRRA’s coming in 

Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills! Piled up by the score 

Just when you thought you were done 

Hey – Here come some more! 

O Come, O Come, Saint Alan Greenspan 

(To the tune of O Come, O Come, Emanuel) 

 

O Come, O Come, Saint Alan Greenspan 

And save our bacon, you’re our man 

Take pity on us in our sad plight 

And make our 401(k) accounts take flight 

Reduce! Reduce! Those interest rates 

While we go spend our income tax rebates 

I – R – S 

(to the tune of Silver Bells) 

 

Your plan is broken – time to fix it 

You’ve been doing things wrong 

Why not seek some compliance resolution? 

Self-correction, VCS or file for VCO now 

It could be your only solution 

 

I – R – S 

I – R – S 

They’re processing your application 

Write a check- 

What the heck- 

It beats disqualification 

That’s H-I-P-A-A! 

(to the tune of Jingle Bells) 

 

My health plan’s not the best – 

I feel so depressed 

My 401(k) sank – 

I’ve no money in the bank 

I think I need some Prozac 

For my anxiety attack 

My state of mind is scarin’ me- 

I need some mental health parity! 

 

Special enrollments, mental health 

Maternity hospital stay 

Coverage certificates- 

That’s H-I-P-A-A! 

 

Oh-special enrollments, mental health 

Maternity hospital stay, 

Coverage certificates- 

That’s H-I-P-A-A! 

I’m Dreaming of a New Tax Bill 

(to the tune of I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas) 

 

I’m dreaming of a new tax bill 

Just like the ones I used to know 

I’ve a fatal attraction 

For Congressional action 

With acronyms all lined up in a row 

I’m dreaming of a new tax bill 

With every pension plan I write 

May your 401(k)’s be healthy and rise 

And may all next year’s tax bills be wise 

We Wish You a Funded Pension 

(to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas) 

 

We wish you a big fat health plan 

We wish you a big fat health plan 

We wish you a big fat health plan 

With un – managed care 

 

And a health FSA for you and your kin 

To pay for Viagra and for liposuction! 

 

We wish you a funded pension 

We wish you a funded pension 

We wish you a funded pension 

And a Roth IRA 

 

And a generous match with no ACP test 

And big profit sharing with immediate vest! 

 

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan 

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan 

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan 

With a rabbi trust 

 

And a gold parachute in case you should fall 

And retiree health benefits to cover you all 

 

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