(to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)
God Vest Ye Fully Enron men
And save your 401(k)
You trusted your retirement to Andy Fastow and Ken Lay
And now you will be toiling until your dying day
It’s a good thing you love your job so well,
Why didn’t you sell?
It’s a good thing you love your job so well.
I’ll Amend by Christmas
(to the tune of I’ll Be Home for Christmas)
I’ll amend by Christmas—
You can count on me—
All your plans for EG-TR-RA,
Drafted so carefully.
Christmas Eve will find me
Typing busily
I’ll amend by Christmas
Although it tortures me.
Test Deadlines
(To the tune of Silent Night)
Privacy, Security,
EDI, transaction sets.
Who’d have guessed back in ‘96
HIPAA would give us such fits?
Just extend the deadlines, please,
We’re begging on bended knees.
Skimming Through the Regs
(To the tune of Jingle Bells)
Skimming through the regs,
Reading through my files,
Every week it seems,
They add more to my piles.
Congress just can’t stop
Adding to this mess,
And although I wish they would,
The agencies won’t rest.
Oh, EG-TR-RA, HIPAA, too,
Change tables for mortality,
required distribution rules,
Sarbanes-Ox-a-ley.
Oh, SPD content rules,
Blackout notices,
Indexed limits change again,
So does EPCRS.
Just about the time
I read a rule’s proposed
And just when I am sure
I’ve nailed it on the nose.
I open BenefitsLink
Aren’t I the fool,
It seems that they have published
A revised interim final rule.
Yeah, HRAs, IRAs,
Waive the excise tax,
30 year Treasury rate,
file urgent claims by fax.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle All the Way,
Oh what fun it is to work
In the benefits field today.
Amending all our Plans
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Amending all our plans
Checking every clause
Signing on the dotted line
Complying with the laws
Our actuary says
It’ll cost an arm and leg
To change our plan design-
So I guess we’ll just have to beg
Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills!
Congress strikes again
Just when GUST is going out, EGTRRA’s coming in
Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills! Piled up by the score
Just when you thought you were done
Hey – Here come some more!
O Come, O Come, Saint Alan Greenspan
(To the tune of O Come, O Come, Emanuel)
O Come, O Come, Saint Alan Greenspan
And save our bacon, you’re our man
Take pity on us in our sad plight
And make our 401(k) accounts take flight
Reduce! Reduce! Those interest rates
While we go spend our income tax rebates
I – R – S
(to the tune of Silver Bells)
Your plan is broken – time to fix it
You’ve been doing things wrong
Why not seek some compliance resolution?
Self-correction, VCS or file for VCO now
It could be your only solution
I – R – S
I – R – S
They’re processing your application
Write a check-
What the heck-
It beats disqualification
That’s H-I-P-A-A!
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)
My health plan’s not the best –
I feel so depressed
My 401(k) sank –
I’ve no money in the bank
I think I need some Prozac
For my anxiety attack
My state of mind is scarin’ me-
I need some mental health parity!
Special enrollments, mental health
Maternity hospital stay
Coverage certificates-
That’s H-I-P-A-A!
Oh-special enrollments, mental health
Maternity hospital stay,
Coverage certificates-
That’s H-I-P-A-A!
I’m Dreaming of a New Tax Bill
(to the tune of I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas)
I’m dreaming of a new tax bill
Just like the ones I used to know
I’ve a fatal attraction
For Congressional action
With acronyms all lined up in a row
I’m dreaming of a new tax bill
With every pension plan I write
May your 401(k)’s be healthy and rise
And may all next year’s tax bills be wise
We Wish You a Funded Pension
(to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a big fat health plan
We wish you a big fat health plan
We wish you a big fat health plan
With un – managed care
And a health FSA for you and your kin
To pay for Viagra and for liposuction!
We wish you a funded pension
We wish you a funded pension
We wish you a funded pension
And a Roth IRA
And a generous match with no ACP test
And big profit sharing with immediate vest!
We wish you a top-hat SERP plan
We wish you a top-hat SERP plan
We wish you a top-hat SERP plan
With a rabbi trust
And a gold parachute in case you should fall
And retiree health benefits to cover you all